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CHECKLIST FOR ASSESSING CHANGE IN MEN WHO ABUSE WOMEN
By Lundy Bancroft
-Admitting fully to what he has done
-Stopping excuses
-Stopping all blaming of her
-Making amends
-Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
-Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
-Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
-Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
-Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
-Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
-Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
-Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
-Carrying his weight
-Sharing power
-Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
-Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
-Changing his parenting
-Changing his treatment of her as a parent
-Changing his attitudes towards females in general
-Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)
Is my Partner Changing?