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Domestic Violence

Is my Partner Changing?


CHECKLIST FOR ASSESSING CHANGE IN MEN WHO ABUSE WOMEN
By Lundy Bancroft


-Admitting fully to what he has done

-Stopping excuses

-Stopping all blaming of her

-Making amends

-Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)


-Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness

-Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse

-Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured

-Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip

-Not demanding credit for improvements he has made


-Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)

-Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

-Carrying his weight

-Sharing power

-Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts


-Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

-Changing his parenting

 -Changing his treatment of her as a parent

-Changing his attitudes towards females in general

-Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)